According to Mongolian tradition, when children are orphaned, the girls go to live with a family member of the mother, while the boys are sent to the father’s side. When Nasa’s father died, her aunt, who had looked after Nasa on and off since her mother’s death, took her in. Her aunt set up a ‘space’ for Nasa under the staircase of the first floor of her house, while she and her husband lived on the second floor. Nasa doesn’t talk much about the time at her aunt’s, but the way she took on kitchen work as soon as she settled into the center, gave us a pretty clear picture of her treatment.
In July 2008, after Nasa spent several nights without returning home, her aunt dropped her off at Ayurzana’s childcare center with the request that the center take over and that she would be released of the responsibility. She argued that Nasa had become too difficult to handle, as she’d started hanging out with street children.
Declarations like these are seen as legitimate, Nasa’s aunt’s responsibility for the child got shifted to and accepted by the state.
Nasa is illiterate, which makes us believe that neither her father nor her aunt bothered to send her to school. Public school is free in Mongolia and there is no reason for the girl not to attend, unless her family didn’t care enough!
Nasa has never seen her brother again, sine she was sent to live with her aunt. Once in a while, she talks about him, telling funny stories about life as a family, but it’s a special, rare day when she does so.
In March I enrolled Nasa in a private school, determined to end her illiteracy. The teacher was a lovely and understanding lady and Nasa trusted her. While I was in UB, Nasa enjoyed school and was proud of her accomplishments. Because the countryside offers no schooling opportunities, I had asked Ayuraa to help find a new foster family in the city. The ever-resourceful Ayuraa set Nasa up with the family who takes care of his parents’ summerhouse, at the outskirts of the city. (A Mongolian tradition: according to the seasons, the nomadic herders move between their summer and winter pastures. When they resettled in the city, they kept the tradition and built summerhouses in the country, in addition to their rented apartments which function as their winter quarters.) Nasa liked her new family, especially the two young girls, who were happy to welcome her as their new big sister.
Ayuraa voiced his concern regarding Nasa’s new environment; he thought she’d be tempted by the city life and fall into old habits. I dismissed it, arguing that she behaved well while living with me; she always came home, did her homework and participated in our home life. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t take much to figure out who was proven right.
In May, a month after I left UB, Nasa started slacking. Apparently she ran into an old girlfriend, who she started to see regularly after school. They’d hang out, meet up with other friends, and Nasa would return home later every night. The family asked, pleaded and complained, until they finally had to call Ayuraa when Nasa came home in the early wee hours, bloody, beaten up, and with her backpack and jacket gone. In her defense I have to say that throughout these difficult months, she continued to go to school every day.
The family couldn’t take the responsibility anymore and asked Ayuraa to find another home for Nasa. Since he didn’t have any instant solution, he placed her in the temporary care center, where I had met her in January 2009. Back to the start.
I have been through rough times before, but this hit me particularly hard, mainly because it proved my limits. Yes, Nasa behaved well while living with me; while I dropped her at school in the morning and picked her up in the afternoon; while I did homework with her every evening, cooked for her (even if she didn’t like my cooking!), washed her clothes, made sure she brushed her teeth and let her choose lacy underwear when we went shopping. Of course she was fine then.
But she wasn’t fine anymore, when all of the above fell away.
Nasa made me understand how fragile the situation is and what kids really need – attention.
I can provide them with a foster family, with clothes, a monthly stipend, livestock, even an iPod for graduation, but I can’t give them what they crave the most: continuous attention and a role model.
With no solution in sight, Ayuraa asked Bymabaa, Baaskaa’s and Vannie’s foster dad, if he would be willing to take Nasa in, since they had room after Baaskaa left last spring. Byambaa and his wife Byaraa always wanted a girl to be the big sister to their young children, Inculai, 6 and Tola, 3. That’s why they took in Enkhtsetseg, which unfortunately didn’t work out, as Enkhtsetseg wasn’t made for country life. Nasa though loves the country and more so, she loves younger children. She shrieks in delight whenever she sees a baby or toddler! The deal was made quickly and Nasa moved in with Byambaa. She integrated into their family and Byaraa become her surrogate mother, teaching Nasa basic things that we take for granted.
Meanwhile we loaded the truck up with Nasa’s remaining belongings and the yurt. It was a strange sight, the men had dismantled the yurt without disturbing anything that was inside it. I was fascinated by this perfectly intact living room in the middle of the lawn, wall–less, and exposed to the winds.
We waved our last goodbyes and drove off.
A couple of miles into the trip we encountered the helper with Nasa’s two cows in tow, struggling, as the mother cow was unwilling to move anywhere.
Cows are extremely attached to their location, you walk them off in the morning and by nightfall they will return home by themselves. We wished the man good luck and continued our journey.
Around 11pm, Ayuraa headed back to the city with his pick up truck and we got ready for bed. The man on horse, leading the cows, still hadn’t arrived at Byambaa’s farm.
The next morning he joined us for breakfast, visibly bruised, and told us about his adventures. He tried to move the cows, with very little progress, for hours. After nightfall the mother cow freaked out even more, as they are unaccustomed to roaming at night, and after another painful hit of their hooves, he gave up. He untied them and they headed straight home. Bymabaa called Sansar to confirm the cows had arrived safely at their former home. Nasa was visibly disappointed, arguing she should have stayed with the cows, as they trust her. I promised I would hire another truck and this time we would load the cows onto the truck and drive them.
For the next 24 hours all we’d talk about was "muher", cows. Nothing irritates a Mongolian as much as difficulties with their livestock, it doesn’t matter if it is a 48–year old herder or a 16–year old girl, and Nasa loves her animals deeply.
To distract her, I interviewed her, with Khosoo’s son Temuulen as translator. Nasa seemed to be more comfortable with the camera then I had ever seen her. She may have realized that I was interested in her, and the camera was pointed at her, not at the boys, and she happened to get into their frame.
I invited her to tell me in her own words what happened after I left. It was remarkable that Nasa, for the first time, didn’t just make up stories, but told me things as they had happened, uncensored. She admitted her mistakes and wrong doings. She had a clear idea what she liked about school and what she had found difficult. When asked if she was comfortable not to being able to read and write, she didn’t know what to say. It’s my understanding that she doesn’t really know what she is missing. Mongolians are social people, they like to communicate. While sharing a one-room accommodation, they rarely "retires" to read a book and math in done without a calculator. She knows everyone around her can read and write, but she doesn’t exactly know how she’d use these skills in her daily life, therefore she doesn’t really miss it.
At one point I asked her if she understood the concept of consequences – that if she treated someone a certain way, that person would react based on their emotions and needs. Nasa just stared at me, silently. She might be so used to being the victim, the recipient of decisions and punishment that it never occurred to her that her actions could be the stepping stone for those decisions. In her eyes she was enrolled in school, got thrown out of school, she was taken from a family, placed with another family, first rewarded then punished, but it was never her decision. How can she possible understand, or learn for that matter, about consequences?
Thinking about what we had talked about, she became quiet and I could see her working to understand. Obviously, you can only explain such concepts of human interaction by being an example. I threw such a large question at her and then I had to run off again, back to my cozy life, where I had answers for all uncertainties. Nasa isn’t even aware of the question, let alone knows how to find an answer.
The chances of saving money by selling and producing milk products when you have only one cow are very slim. Cows have become increasingly expensive, making it impossible for me to buy a second cow for Nasa - good milk cows are up to $800! Nasa’s cow is a constant issue within the family. The cow, bought from a different area, is considered a ‘foreigner’. She grazes alone and doesn’t mix with the local cows. We thought about slaughtering the cow, and with the money that the meat would bring in, plus additional funds, we could buy a new cow from the area. But Nasa likes her cow, after all it is her sole possession, so none of us had the heart to suggest such a cruel idea. We will have to wait until I can afford to buy her a second cow. In the meantime I want Nasa to have another opportunity to earn cash.
Once in UB, I contacted a few felt cooperatives to find someone to teach Nasa the craft of felt-making. Most of them were located out of town, which made it impractical, but thanks to the endlessly resourceful Ayurzana and Khosoo, I found a workshop organized by World Vision in the city.
I learned an important lesson in Mongolia: sometimes you don’t ask, but tell! As soon as I had organized Nasa’s workshop, we went to pick her up. I promised her she’d have a great time learning something new and unlike Davaa, she was happy to break her routine and stay with me, me – Martina!
Starting on a Monday, we’d go to the workshop every morning at 9:00 am, I would stay for an hour, then leave her until it was time to pick her up again, around 6:00 pm. She would proudly present what she had learned. We’d gather her belongings and wave good-bye to the women working in the workshop. Once home I would cook dinner (again, don’t ask, just cook and feed!), while Nasa would work on her home assignment. For the first time in my life I had a regular schedule, which was a very strange experience.
Nasa and I became very close while living together. We developed our own language and ways to read and understand each other. I have to admit that on previous visits I perceived her as socially awkward, difficult to be with and hard to integrate. She was always an outsider. My discomfort was based on my own insecurity, not being able to read or engage her. Living with her did the trick. It is amazing that it took me so long to understand that the degree of neglect she experienced and the subsequent effect on her behavior made me feel so uncomfortable that I shied away from her, hence, neglecting her once more. All I had to do was embrace her the way she was and deal with it. It is amazing how much lies in the way we look at things. Is it she who is difficult or me, who is intimidated by behavior I can’t understand? Who is the adult here?
At her home, I realized what a hard worker Nasa is. All her tasks, like milking, collecting cow dung, helping out with minor repair, preparing various milk products for consumption, as well and collecting firewood require a lot of physical strength. She had always been exceptionally strong for a girl and is therefore often treated like a boy when it comes to manual labor. At the end of each day, we’d go to fetch the grazing cows, which in comparison felt like a mini-vacation. I tried to help as much as I could (without being too much in the way) which mainly lead to a lot of laughter, but not so much relief.
Ayurzana and Khosoo talked a lot about the new childcare center and the children’s choir that they had founded. One day Khosoo called and told me to meet Ayurzana within the next hour if we wanted to see a big concert by the children’s choir. (They don’t ask either, but tell!) Nasa loves music, so I picked her up early and we rushed home. I quickly threw some food together, while Nasa changed and put on make up. We rushed off. Once we met Ayurzana, he rushed us down the street until we stopped in front of the Parliament. I had no idea that that’s where the kids would perform. The guard pointed at my legs and shook his head; I hadn’t changed, I was still wearing jeans. It never crossed my mind that we’d go to such an official event. I would have loved to go, but – oh well. But looking at Nasa, I was heartbroken. Her one chance to get into the Parliament, and she was refused entrance because of me. I could not read her expression, as she retreated into her old, quiet, expressionless self. I wonder if she was surprised that this would happen to someone else, someone she thought was flawless!
In January of this year, when I spent one week with all of the kids, I began to seriously worry about Nasa. She was awkward, often at the sidelines when all the other kids were playful. She wouldn’t participate in any conversation, but suddenly, after hours of silence, she’d burst out with a story, with no connection to what the kids had talked about. Watching her, I understood the expression ‘socially awkward’.
Now only four month later, Nasa surprised me by coming running when we arrived, hugging all of us and telling us what she did that day, that the animals were doing well and that she had learned to write and read a few more letters and was capable of writing her name and mine.
She and I walked around on her family’s ground and she was bubbly and writing words in the sand. When we returned to the yurt, she told the others what she told me and asked them to translate. Something she had never done before.
It made Khosoo and me so happy to see Nasa so alive.
Nasa gave me five drawings as presents, all drawings were of a girl, surrounded by the land, sun and hearts. Coincidentally I brought her rubber boots with a heart pattern, which she loved.
Ayurzana mentioned that the changes started in the winter, when they conducted a workshop, asking the kids to draw what they would like to do when they grow up. Apparently Nasa participated for the very first time.
When she ran away last summer, she was not being punished for it, instead she was still welcomed and talked to. We explained to her how her action affected her family, Ayurzana, Khosoo and me. I can’t help to think that it was then that she started to trust that this is for real, that the adults in her life are for real and so she slowly opened up.
I also like to think that the time we spent together in the winter made a difference. Nasa was part of a group of children who accepted her and no matter how awkward her behavior, they always made her feel included. That’s when she got inspired by her peers and started asking for an ABC book, so she could learn how to read and write.
Nasa is the best example of what a little bit of love, patience and care can do for a child. I know that she had a tough upbringing, most likely worse than we think. She had been mentally, physically and sexually abused, and treated as a worthless creature by the adults in charge. But she came back, in full glory and even looked happy.
It is true though what they say – it takes a village to raise a child.
Nasa and I had exchanged a couple of letters throughout the fall, and the exchange seems to have softened her attitude towards me. When I visited her in the summer she would barely look at me or talk to me, and often ignored me altogether. At first I didn’t understand her resentment. Eventually it became obvious, I came and ‘conquered’ her, turned the life she knew upside down - and then she never heard from me again!
In the late fall of 2009, Nasa ran away from her current family. She just had received her cow, but according to her, she was bored. She ran off, none knew where she was or where to look for her. Later we learned that she walked all the way to UB, which pretty much takes half a day. A couple days later Ayurzana found her selling coal in the Black Market. She had hooked up with a family she knew from her days in UB; I think they sell coal regularly, so Nasa went straight to the market to meet up with them.
Ayurzana took her back to the care center. When Baaskaa came for the weekend, he sat her down and talked to her. He talked about the dangers of running away and being alone in the waste steppe, but also in UB. He visualized it for her, telling her ‘she would be breakfast for wolves’ – can’t argue there! He also spoke about the responsibility she has towards me, which I find touching, because it shows me how he thinks. My concern was more that she wouldn’t change, or develop, that she would still run off on impulse, or without foreseeing the consequences of her actions.
Reading Nasa’s letters, I had the feeling that she ran away on impulse. That she didn’t have the ability to understand or analyze her emotions. I suggested that she should try to verbalize her wishes and needs. If she is bored and she misses the city, she can ask her family if she could visit for a day. Somehow we would manage to organize that for her, maybe not immediately, but we would try. This is a very advanced concept for a girl who has never received any education or training or even encouragement to express herself, but I figured we have to start somewhere.
Her foster parents became very concerned and wary, since they are responsible for her well-being, but they agreed to take her back. I am sure there was a lot of sweet-talk from the police chief Ayurzana, in order to persuade them! So right before New Years, Nasa returned to her family.
Nasa running away gave me the idea of bringing the kids closer, establishing a bond, so they would understand that they are not alone with their feelings and uncertainties. It was then that I decided to take them all on a mini vacation and encourage them talk to each other, in addition to us adults.
Nasa was so excited when we all drove out to the summer camp. She and Enkhtsetseg became friends while Nasa was living in the care center, waiting to return to her family. Of course she knows Baaskaa, who she treats like an older brother and she knows Davaa, because he would come for the weekends from Naleikh. She embraced Batbileg as the new younger brother.
Her foster mom told us that we bought the wrong cow. We bought a cow from a neighboring area (it was cheaper!) but that was not good for the cow. Apparently cows are home-bound and have a hard time adjusting to a new environment. As a consequence, Nasa’s cow’s baby was often sick and the mother cow gave less milk than the homegrown cows. When she explained that, Ayurzana, Khosoo and I looked at each other in total bafflement. None of us ever expected to have to know these things!!! I was also amazed, as it is not in the Asian culture to criticize, but I was glad she told us, because now we know!
Based on that conversation, I suggested to Nasa to wait until her cow has more calves, sell two of them, and with the money gained and some extra money from me, we could buy a homegrown cow that would produce the proper amount of milk, which could be sold. With the profit of the milk, we could buy more cows over time, until she has her own small herd. Nasa thought about it for a moment and decided she liked the idea. The other kids agreed, that this could be done and it would result in profits. After the kids’ assessment, Nasa declared that this would be her plan for the future.
Days later, when I introduced Saraa, the new ‘supervisor’, I asked the kids to tell a little bit about themselves, so Saraa had a chance to get to know them. Nasa repeated the plan about selling, adding cows to create a herd over time. Saraa looked impressed and congratulated her for such a well thought-out business plan and Nasa beamed with pride.
It’s THAT easy to motivate a child to be creative. It’s not that I think we did so well, what kills me is the pain I feel when I realize how little she got in her early life.
Nasa is still unable to read and write. Her foster mom tried to teach her, but it seems very difficult for Nasa to remember anything, or to connect certain thoughts, knowledge. She may be able to add two and two on paper, within her math lecture, but when she looks at eggs, and is told to get four, she is at a loss. I truly believe it is more an attitude problem than an inability. I think at some point she gave up and started to believe that she is incapable. I believe that Nasa has lived through such extreme neglect that her ability and development in some aspects are more in line an eight year old, than a 14 year-old. Once she decides she can learn, she will be fine.
She had fun on the basketball court, and I would see her glancing at the others, and repeating what they did when she was at a loss, because she didn’t understand what was asked of her.
On the last day we asked the kids to write their own shopping lists, as we were about to go the Black Market. We needed to buy entire outfits for Enktsetseg and Batbileg and stock up for Nasa, Baaskaa and Davaa. This was again an exercise for the kids to express what they wanted and needed. Amazingly, Nasa wrote a long wish list. She had no trouble expressing what she wanted. It was very touching, she wanted earrings and a ring, a nightgown and nylons. I think she is becoming a woman, which adds a whole new set of emotions for her!
When we finally returned her to her family, she cried. It was heartbreaking. Of course she’d misses the excitement, having kids around, being part of something. She also got close to me again. As she did last winter, she was in constant physical contact, leaning on me, holding my hand, or walking arm in arm. I am glad we sorted it out, and I believe she is now assured that I will be a constant in her life. I may be physically absent most of the time, but writing her letters will help to bridge that. I already sent her a small photo album, with pictures of our time together, so she has something to remind her of her friends. Also, she has visual proof of herself.
My biggest moment of joy was when Nasa added an ABC book to her wish list. She finally decided she wanted to read and write. I am sure she realized that her entire family can do something that she can’t, so she changed her mind and developed a desire to catch up. That was the whole point of the mini vacation get together to let them figure out what they wanted and to get them to express it; so I guess we did good.
Therefore we decided to re-distribute Nasa’s animals to Davaa and Zola and with the money ‘saved’ we bought Nasa a cow with calf. (Cows are costly, especially when you buy a calf with the cow, but hopefully it will be a good milk cow and quickly recoup the investment.)
Last week the animals were delivered. A black cow with a two month-old, brown calf – Nasa’s first cow family.
Nasa was delighted! Now she is able to fully contribute to her foster family’s business, while she has something to call her own. Hopefully her ‘family’ will expand and there will be another calf next season.
Nasa liked her original foster family very much, but felt lonely because she was the only youngster in the family. So she kept running off to the neighbors, who had a girl and boy roughly her age.
Mr. Dashnayngarag and Ms. Ikhbayar became concerned, because they thought it was dangerous for a girl to run through the steppe all by herself. They felt they couldn’t guarantee Nasa’s safety. But they also understood that she was lonely and longed for other children to be with. So they called Ayurzana.
Ayurzana decided it would be best to find a new family for Nasa that would match her needs. Her new family, Sansar Togtoh, the foster dad and Odgerel Tomorbaatar, her foster mom, lives an hour and a half away from Ulaanbaatar, close to Byambaa. They are cow herders, and make a living by selling their milk daily in the city. When we visited, only the man and this mother were present, his wife and their two children, 11 and 12, had left for the city because school had started. Tsendkhuu Norov, ‘Granny’, as Khosoo tenderly called the elderly lady, shares a yurt with Nasa. Nasa’s yurt is used as a storage room at the moment, until the rest of the family returns. But it is agreed on; Nasa and Granny will share one yurt, while the family shares the other.
Nasa had had a particularly hard time on the street. Ayurzana had her evaluated by a psychologist, who confirmed that Nasa would need a long time to recover due to her neglectful upbringing and her years on the street. She seems to be in good hands, now that she is with a motherly, wise woman, who with a giggle told us that she had had six children and a yurt full of grandchildren, and that she can do it one more time.
We agreed on the importance of ownership for the kids. They need to know that they own something and that they contribute to the family, they are not just live-in help or the recipients of handouts. If everything works according to our plan, Nasa should have her cow with a baby cow before the summer’s end. After Nasa’s move, Ayurzana decided to deposit Nasa’s herd with Davaa’s foster family and with Byambaa, until we find a way to exchange them for cows. After leaving Nasa, Ayurzana and I put our heads together and tried to figure out how to ‘transform’ Nasa’s animals. It sounds easy, but believe me, it’s not!
When it came to writing me a letter though, she felt inadequate to use words and sent me this lovely drawing:
All goats gave birth, so Nasa’s herd grew quiet substantially! Sadly, one baby goat didn’t make it. The mother goat gave birth in the late hours, just before Nasa would bring the herd in, so she didn’t realize that a new baby goat had been born. Consequentially, the next morning, they found the baby dead, eaten by a wolf. Nasa was very disturbed and inconsolable for days.
Life is hard in Mongolia!
A Mongolian Television reporter was working on a story about Ayurzana and Khosoo’s NGO. She heard about our joint efforts, and as a result, went to visit and interview Nasa. The reporter was very impressed by the stories, and when on air, she inspired her viewers to start their own collection for Nasa. As a result, Nasa has her own yurt now, which is set up right next to her foster parents. At the moment they are using it as storage -- for the same reason that Baaska doesn’t live in his own yurt during the winter months -- it’s too much wood to heat two yurts and Mongolians like to stay close. But it makes Nasa happy and a bit more independent! The yurt is a great investment for her future!
Poor lucky Nasa, she is such a shy girl and here she is, on TV, all eyes on her.
Ayurzana decided that Nasa should go to school. In May, she will move back into the child care center for 3 month, so that she can attend school in the city. It is very common for kids to go to school in the city, which makes it extra hard for parents to provide, as they need a place in the city in addition to their yurt in the country. In a regular family, one of the parents moves with the kids to the city, to be with them, which leaves the other parent out in steppe, by themselves.
Ideally, in the future, we will be able to provide the kids with an apartment during the school month with full supervision by a guardian, who lives in the apartment full time. But that will have to wait!
I can’t wait for Nasa to be able to read and write and be able to count her own sheep!
Nasa is 13 years-old; she lived in the childcare center for more than 6 months where she worked in the kitchen and was generally attentive and happy to help out where ever she could. At one point, a few other kids convinced her to run away with them, which she did. It took Ayurzana just 2 days to find her before Nasa was back in the center. Since the kids are only allowed to stay 6 consecutive months at the center, everyone was relieved because now they could start counting from zero again.
I presented Nasa with the idea of living with a foster family and learning how to tend to animals, and her response was, “Good, I like sheep”. When I asked her what she wished for herself, she said a watch and perfume, nothing more.
Nasa is a very quiet girl. Knowing this, we tried to match her with a family who is also on the quiet side.
Mr.Dashnayngarag and Ms.Ikhbayar were excited about the idea of having a girl live with them, especially since Mr.Dashnayngarag is out all day herding the animals, while Ms.Ikhbayar is home alone.
We decided to follow what had been successful with Baaska. Nasa would stay for 3 days with her new family, alone, and after three days, we’d return and all of us would discuss if the family would welcome her, whether she wanted to stay, and what she needed. When we picked up Nasa from the childcare center, she showed up wearing an hilarious bear-head hat, ‘new’ shoes (which were a size too big!) and a coat that was pretty but too light for the cold.
As expected, Nasa settled into her new family quietly, saying nothing, except what she thought we wanted to hear, but she seemed happy and excited. She kept repeating that she likes sheep and that all she wanted was a watch. Long pause. And some perfume.
After 3 long days we returned to check on Nasa. She was happy to see us, to tell us how much she liked her new life, the family and the mountains. While she was talking, she jumped around the yurt, prepping the feed for the animals, cleaning dishes, and sorting out where things would go. It turns out that Nasa is quite a strong, opinionated girl, who knows what she wants and how it should be done! The family liked her a lot and Ms.Ikhbayar asked us to bring a notebook and pencils, so she could teach Nasa how to read and write.
We sealed the deal with the family. I bought 8 goats and 4 sheep, which would be co-owned by Nasa and the family. Luckily, we came at a time when the animals were pregnant, which meant that hopefully in a few months, the Nasa and the family would see an increase in their shares by 50%.
After having a huge meal of homemade dumplings, cookies and vodka, we signed contracts and went to mark Nasa's sheep. Of course everything took longer then planned and we ended up in total darkness trying to sort sheep, having to use the car headlights to give us a bit of light in trying to figure who was who among the sheep population! We were on the lookout for females, but due to the darkness, you can only figure out the sex of a sheep by touch! Baaska came along that day, so he was in charge of marking them.
