Bio:
Age 15, was forced to leave her home
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Enkhtsetseg, whose name means ‘peaceful flower’, was born on December 31st, 1995 in Zamiin-Uud, a small town at the Chinese border in the East Gobi district.
She has no information about her father. Her mother died of cancer in 1998, leaving behind Enkhtsetseg’s oldest sister, three brothers and Enkhtsetseg, who was three. According to tradition, her sister, who is 16 years older, cared for Enkhtsetseg, while her brothers went to live with a male relative. She has not seen two of her brothers since, and though she was briefly reunited with her third brother in UB, he has since moved away and they have lost touch.
On some point her sister got married. Her husband didn’t like Enkhtsetseg, or the fact that she lived with them, so he beat her repeatedly. That led to painful fights between the sister and her husband and Enkhtsetseg started to feel responsible for her sister’s unhappiness.
Eventually the situation became unbearable, and Enkhtsetseg confided into one of her teachers. There was no institution protecting children it in their hometown, but the teacher had heard of the childcare center in UB. Enkhtsetseg went to the police, who called the care center and they agreed on the ‘transaction’.
In March 2009 the police accompanied Enkhtsetseg to the train, but she had to make the trip by herself. She had nothing on her, except a piece of paper with the address of the care center. At the station in UB, she asked a boy if he knew the way. As it turned out, he was a street boy – he walked her to the center.
Enkhtsetseg stayed in the center for five month. Her sister called repeatedly and begged her to come home. Eventually, in August, she gave in, understanding that she didn’t have much of a future in UB either.
The beatings and fights started immediately after her return. She took the abuse for two month, but in October 2009, she was back on the train, this time entirely on her own, without police escort, and returned to Ayurzana’s childcare center.
Byambaa and Byaraa were considering taking in two more children. Byaraa needed help in the house and with the children and they knew that I ‘championed’ girls, so they decided on a boy and a girl. They asked Baaskaa, if he knew a girl he liked and thought fit for their household, so he decided on Enkhtsetseg. After a short trial period they all agreed and Enkhtsetseg moved onto the farm in early January 2010.
Enkhtsetseg is a passionate cook. She has not been back to school since March 2009.
Updates:
October 2010: Enkhtsetseg becomes a chef!
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When I arrived in UB, Enkhtsetseg’s school training had already started. She is aspiring to become a chef at the same vocational school as Baaska and Davaa.
Enkhtsetseg was very excited to see me and came to UB right away. In a very animated way, she told me about her course and how much she likes her teacher. Apparently her teacher is very supportive of her.
Right away she took over the kitchen and cooked our first meal.
During the first weekend, Baaska, Davaa, Enkhtsetseg and I were summoned by Khosoo. It was one of those classic moments in which I get a call to go somewhere, “… and bring the kids”, without knowing why or what is in store for us. Turns out, this time we were called to an annual basketball tournament for all of the childcare centers in UB. I was surprised, if not shocked, to see how many childcare centers there were. Most of these centers are supported and financed by international aid organizations. I knew about some of them, but I was stunned by the large numbers of children in their charge. Some of them were in better shape then others, but all of them had loving staff and a lot of fun playing basketball.
Enkhtesetseg is a surprisingly good player, given that girls never get to play and aren’t trained in the ballgames considered “boys' games”. She had to fill in as the only girl in our otherwise male team, since three of our players, boys from Ayurzana’s old care center, ran away before the game started. She played and played well, but I could tell that she had more fun hanging out with her old friends than playing basketball with them.
She is at an age where she seems to be quite drawn to boys. I assume she missed being able to be with her friends and peers while she lived at Byambaa’s, and is now making up for it.
Sadly, I found out that she has sometimes taken it a bit too far. Apparently she’s been missing classes regularly, and was even caught drinking in school. I assume she fell in with the wrong crowd. I am a bit lost about what to do. Enkhtsetseg is in a transitional period, in Naleikh, with no one really in charge of her. Her teacher likes her, but can’t do anything if she doesn’t show up. Byambaa, who has also had trouble with her, is too far away, (Khosoo is in UB and not in Naleikh) and Ayurzana can’t be around all the time. It is one of those moments where we could use one person who would focus on guiding her and start a true communication beyond telling her what the rules are. In short, we need a parent.
I am not sure if Enkhtsetseg’s behavior is a belated reaction to what has happened to her or if she is simply a teenager who fell in with rough kids. It might be a little bit of both. Her behavior seems to be a challenge, although I am not sure to whom or what.
I am hurt that I can’t find the answer to those questions, because I can’t be there and spend the time needed to become close, and I can’t provide her with someone else who would do it. When I asked Enkhtsetseg if she wanted me to look for her sister, she declined, because she was afraid that her sister would take her out of school. Enkhtsetseg wants to wait until her one-year program is completed before she looks for her sister. Let’s just hope the program doesn’t turn into a two-year program.
Enkhtsetseg openly calls me her American mother. It is frustrating that I cannot fulfill even a fraction of that role, but have to leave her to her own devices, which may lead her into some trouble before her rebellion is complete.
May 2010: Enkhtsetseg loves to live in the country
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Unfortunately, I only saw Enkhtsetseg very briefly, when I dropped off Baaskaa on my last day. Surprisingly, after all her talk about hating the country, she had totally morphed into a country girl. She gained a bit of weight, had round, rosy cheeks and looked very healthy.
She is still excited to start school in September, but she doesn’t like UB anymore. In early spring she had to go to the hospital. After just a couple of hours, she called Byambaa, asking if he could pick her up. She told him she was homesick and didn’t want to stay overnight in the city.
The family loves her and all problems seem to be forgotten.
Enkhtsetseg is fully integrated and she and Byaraa have become very close. The two women made a deal with Byambaa: they’d comb the goats for cashmere, which he could sell and they would get a small salary. They proudly showed me two sacks full of cashmere wool and were excited about having some income. I am not sure how it works, but collecting the wool is painstakingly slow and a lot of work, yet it is one more business opportunity the family is trying out.
Enkhtsetseg is planning to invest in a phone, so she can talk to her sister.
Her sister is divorced and recently moved to UB. She lives somewhere in ger city, Enkhtsetseg is not sure where. This is a very new development, so we will see how it will unfold. Hopefully the two sisters will have an opportunity to see each other and her sister will be able make a living. At this point, it is not an option for Enkhtsetseg to live with her.
When I visited, Enkhtsetseg and I took off alone and strolled around for a bit. We tried to communicate with the words that we taught each other during my winter visit. Her English was clearly better than my Mongolian, but more importantly, we laughed a lot and had fun. Girl’s fun. At some point she called me her American mom. When I looked surprised, she explained that she is lucky, before she had no mother, but now she has a Mongolian mom and an American mom – and she gave me a big smile.
When it was time to say good-bye, she was still laughing and in good spirits, no tears this time!
February 2010: Enkhtsetseg has a tough start living in the country
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Enkhtsetseg had written me a letter in December, asking for help. And I responded, assuring her I would help. When we finally met, we already had a bit of a history!
She is a brave young girl. And she was at a dead end. When she had the opportunity to go live with Byambaa and Byaraa, she happily said yes. But eventually reality hit.
As of now, she still has to get used to life in the country. She is from a small town, so she has experience with animals, but she has never lived full-time on a farm. And she is about to become a woman, so she likes nice clothes and lip-gloss, but there is no one to bounce it off of to, in the country.
She was excited about our excursion to the city. I think she very much enjoyed being in a large group of children, but mainly she loved the exciting things we would do: staying in the dormitory, which had a full sized mirror and a kitchen, exchanging fashion tips with Nasa and trying out new nail polish, going for a weekend trip to the summer camp, cooking and learning more chef tricks from Khosoo, going shopping for groceries every night, playing basketball, going to the movies. But of course, most of all she enjoyed going to the Black Market, where we bought her an entire outfit, which the girls put on and took off for the rest of the night.
But back on the farm, she became more withdrawn, almost sad. She and I taught each other Mongolian and English, so she would write me little notes that she doesn’t like to live in the country. I couldn’t respond much, as my Mongolian was limited naming the six most common animals of Mongolia. Unfortunately her cloudy mood tainted her relationship with Byaraa. Byaraa got tired of seeing her pout. It all escalated on Batbileg’s birthday, when Baaskaa was teasing her a little too hard. Enkhtsetseg left the room crying and started packing her belongings. No one was able to console her.
Byambaa had a heart to heart conversation with her the next morning and things seemed to get better. Baaskaa was reined in and reminded that he didn’t like living in the country for the first six months either.
It’s a tough situation. As a boy, you go out and herd the animals, often as a group of two or more. As a girl you are much more confined to the house, particular in the winter month. There is not much to do and I understand that a 16-year-old girl gets bored. And as 16 year olds are, instead of trying to find things to do, they feel victimized by their circumstances. I really can’t blame her – she is a victim of her circumstances.
When we talked about our wishes and goals for the future, she declared she wanted to be a cook. It turned out Naleikh has a cooking class, so the plan became for her to start school in September. Enkhtsetseg was excited and I could tell she was counting the months.
I think she enjoyed school and learning, but she hasn’t been to school since March 2009, when she left her hometown. It is not surprising her general feeling is that of boredom.
We had a very tearful goodbye. I am roughly the age of her older sister, and I am sure Enkhtsetseg misses her. When I left, Enkhtsetseg started crying, which made Byaraa cry, which made me cry, which prompted Byambaa to cry, so Ayurzana couldn’t help it. It was a bit of crying musical chairs.
I guess if you can cry together, you can figure out how to live together. Enkhtsetseg will be fine eventually, she just seems to be having a bumpy start.
